Friday, May 13, 2011

Which Real Housewife Are You?

Well, a miracle has happened - and my internet is BACK at work!  To celebrate this blessed event, I have created a quiz for all of you Real Housewives junkies out there.  Let's be honest - I am ob-sessed to the max with these shows.  The fact that beginning next week, there will be three different sets of crazy, drama-filled episodes on per week makes me ecstatic. 

So, this obsession begs the question, which Real Housewife are you?  Are you a table-flipper or a weave-puller? There’s only one way to find out!

1. Which phrase are you most likely to use in conversation?
A. Bam!
B. Prostitution whore!
C. Of course I’m on the guest list!
D. Woo hoo!
E. Satchels of gold!
F. I don’t need a catchphrase. Money talks.

2. What are your favorite fashion statements?
A. Turqouise nail polish and two-tone hair.
B. I love big hair, and leopard print makes me purrrr.
C. Blondes have more fun, especially when they’re wearing expensive shoes.
D. A cell phone attached to my ear, or a glass of wine in my hand. Sometimes, one of each.
E. I wear real fur and micro miniskirts.
F. Lots of makeup and shiny hair extensions.

3. Describe your relationship with your significant other.
A. We haven’t had a real conversation in weeks.
B. We have sex several times a week.
C. We are partners in crime(s).
D. Work is my significant other.
E. I’m playing the field right now.
F. We bicker a lot, but we’re totally in love.

4. How would you most like to spend your free time?
A. Running my mouth to anyone who’ll listen.
B. Spending money I don’t have.
C. Combing my calendar for the next party to crash.
D. On a boat or at an outdoor party with friends.
E. Attending fashion shows.
F. Taking friends on vacation in a private jet.

5. Which best describes your offspring?
A. My jobless adult son is still freeloading off me.
B. I spoil them rotten and when they don’t get their way, they cause a colossal scene.
C. I don’t have kids.
D. They are still under my control, even though they’re technically adults.
E. My tweens are probably smarter than me.
F. They are well-adjusted and enjoy spending time with the family.

6. If I could choose, my career would be:
A. As a bonfide celebrity, instead of a reality star.
B. A professional shopper.
C. I’d change it up every day, depending on whom I was talking to.
D. A successful salesperson.
E. In the fashion industry.
F. As a freakin’ mogul.

7. Complete this sentence: “My friends ___________.”
A. Are also my worst enemies.
B. Always have my back, even during physical altercations.
C. Don’t really like me.
D. Think I need to leave my laptop at home, but know I am there if they really need me.
E. Want me to seek therapy.
F. Look to me for sound advice.

8. You’ve been cast on a reality show. How would you try to extend your 15 minutes of fame?
A. Try to get cast on other reality shows, or make a career in television.
B. By writing a cookbook and being terrible with money.
C. Pulling half-cocked stunts and hoping publicity comes my way.
D. I’m busy with my real life. I don’t have time for all that.
E. Pose for Playboy, and feed the media some crazy quotes every so often.
F. I didn’t need the fame before, and I don’t need it now.

9. Someone makes you angry. How do you react?
A. Threaten to snap their neck. How dare someone challenge me?
B. Throw furniture or chase them through a party. Once I lose my temper, I have no self-control.
C. Play dumb. “What are you talking about? I didn’t do anything.”
D. I get drunk, let them have it, and then head back to the office.
E. I spout incomprehensible phrases, interchanged with horrible insults, then become totally paranoid and somewhat unstable.
F. I confront the problem so it doesn’t fester, then I move on.

10. What is one of the worst things that’s happened to you?
A. A loved one insulted and embarrassed me in a public forum.
B. Some bitch tried to come between me and my family. NOBODY does that and gets away with it.
C. People accuse me of being a perpetual liar at least once a day.
D. Take your pick: My good friend stabbed me in the back, my daughter had a cancer scare, and I’m getting divorced after 16 years of marriage.
E. I went on this vacation with my “friends,” and they made me have a mental breakdown.
F. I signed up for a reality show with a bunch of crazy bitches.

If you chose mostly A's:

You are NeNe Leakes from Real Housewives of Atlanta
Bold in personality and in looks, you are never, ever the wallflower. Depending on the day, you’re either the life of the party or the end of the fun. You’re sharp and funny, but you also tell it like it is — and if someone close to you does you wrong, you cut them off like BAM! People may or may not like you, but they always know who you are. Still, you do have a soft spot underneath all that attitude; you’re loyal to people who treat you right.

If you chose mostly B's:

You are Teresa Guidice from Real Housewives of New Jersey
Family means everything to you, but shopping ranks a close second. And when you combine the two? Your loved ones are showered with gifts, and your credit cards catch fire from overuse. But life is not all Fendi and rainbows. You also have an explosive temper, and if you’re not careful, it could land you in the slammer. If that doesn’t scare you straight, maybe this will: They don’t allow leopard-print jumpsuits in jail.

If you chose mostly C's:

You are Michaele Salahi from Real Housewives of D.C.
You’ve been trying to find yourself for years, and now you finally have. Except being called a gatecrasher, a fraud, and a liar wasn’t exactly what you had in mind. Underneath all the bad press, you are incredibly strong (who else could handle tons of public scrutiny?), but to unleash your true potential, you need to unload the bad influences in your life and start anew.

If you chose mostly D's:

You are Vicki Gunvalson from Real Housewives of Orange County
You work harder than anybody, and although you care deeply for the people around you, they get tired of playing second fiddle to your job. Try to find some middle ground, and delegate some of your duties at work. Because you know better than anyone that when you DO let your hair down, you can “Woo Hoo” with the best of ‘em! You made all that money, girl … isn’t it time you take time to enjoy the fruits of your labor?

If you chose mostly E's:

You are Kelly Bensimon from Real Housewives of New York City
You mean well, but are often misunderstood — and let’s face it, you probably do a fair amount of misunderstanding, too. If your friends are concerned about your well-being, perhaps you should listen. Focus on what’s most important to you, and try not to get wrapped up in all the drama. Oh, and stop wearing fur!

If you chose mostly F's:

You are Adrienne Maloof from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
You are about as balanced as Real Housewives come. Your career and family are both thriving, which, in turn, leaves you with no tolerance for drama and bullshit. Your friends often call you the peacemaker and look to you for solid, sound advice — just not advice about accessorizing, because that’s one area where you have a tendency to go overboard.

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